I am convinced that I am the last person in the world that is NOT pregnant.
Ok, not really. It feels that way though, as my Facebook feed explodes with news of expectant mothers and fathers or pictures of newborns. Don’t get me wrong – I am so incredibly happy for my friends. Children are blessings. But…when do I get one? In the latest series at church, we talked a lot about patience. A lot. And that God will answer your prayers when he’s ready. But…when? When God, when?
It’s to the point that I’m kind of depressed about it. I don’t want to be an old mom (no offense to those who are, it’s just not my style). I’m tired of waiting. I’m obviously not one of those freaks of nature that gets pregnant on the first try, so while we continue to try, I’m almost tired of trying. Can I even have kids naturally? All of my doctors tell me that I need to lose weight before getting pregnant, but one doctor told me that I just couldn’t gain a lot of weight. I can handle THAT. Point is, fertility drugs aren’t covered by insurance, and unless I suddenly start making tons of money (LOL) or my husband gets a freakishly good job, we can’t afford it.
Every time I hear a doctor say “just lose some weight and you’ll get pregnant” I want to slap them across the face. If losing weight was so easy, no one would be overweight! It is so triggering. I met with a couple of girls from my IOP today for lunch, and we were all talking about how we needed to stay more focused so that we don’t find ourselves wanting to binge again or slip into old habits. And yet, I am slowly slipping back into some patterns. Counting calories. Placing foods into “good” and “bad” categories when really, it’s food. The only way I know how to lose weight is in an unhealthy manner. It is hard – so hard – to shift thinking from those unhealthy ways to healthy ways. It is a constant struggle to remind myself that it’s okay to eat a cookie without wanting to exercise it off or throw it back up. Or that no really, it’s okay to not go to the gym when you’re muscles are screaming in pain.
But I digress.
Now, adoption is always an option, and we’re totally open to that. However, that takes time and money. Classes, home studies, etc. I don’t even know where to begin with things like that! Furthermore, I want a young child. That could mean waiting for years. Years that quite frankly, I don’t want to wait. Some may think that I’m selfish for not wanting to adopt an older child. But I want to see a young child discover the ways of the world and see the excitement when they learn something new. Not that I doubt teenagers do that too, but in a way less cute way. I want the challenges of raising a toddler or infant.
And I know this part is selfish: I don’t want to heal a child messed up by someone else. I do that every single day at work, and I don’t have the energy to do it at home. I just don’t. I want to be able to come home and enjoy my child, tantrums and fits and messiness and all.
I don’t really know where I was going with this post. Partly a vent, partly a cry of sadness?
I’ve been keeping this in mind:
I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:5 (NIV)